Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
