tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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