Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
