I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
