If you die in college, do you die in real life?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
