Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
birth control should be required to get into college
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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