There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
