I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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