your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
