Just took my morning after pill in the library
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Randomize
