I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
