I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
