All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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