Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
