you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
