Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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