Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
