At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
