I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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