I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
