either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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