Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
