Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
