I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
