my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
