Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
