Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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