Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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