im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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