Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
