I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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