I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
