Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
