tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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