I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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