At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
