So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
How does it feel to date your dad?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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