i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
