I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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