Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
