I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
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