I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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