You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Randomize
