dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
