So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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