i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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