I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
