i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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