so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
