I can tuck mytits in my pants
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
